submission

The word submissive has ALWAYS grinded my gears. Mainly because the idea of silencing myself for the sake of another human has been discouraged in my life since I can remember. I need to explain myself because people often think I am coming with audacity when I say this. I am, but it is audacity rooted in respect. The audaciousness of being rooted in self-worth does not welcome rudeness or disrespect. But to be genuinely audacious is to be kind, even when people are not kind to you. What I had failed to realize, and honestly still struggle with, is the idea that submission is a higher level of audacity. Before we break this down, we need to talk about submission.

When we look at submission, we often relate it to relationships: parent-kid, partner-partner, superior at work, etc. In all of these relationships, there is a level of compromise. Or, in some cases, maybe not even compromise, but letting go. Ah, sigh. Another lesson has been a dark cloud in my life for as long as I can remember. I have always been the person to hang on and fight for the person, the sport, and the argument. It is a quality I value in myself because I know I can commit myself to something or someone and do the work required to strengthen it.

When you start a new relationship with someone, compromises start small, and over time, they often build. In my experience, you don't often recognize the small compromises until it feels like you have made so many that you are frustrated- and then resentment sets in. I have realized this week that compromise is separate from submission because compromise comes from a place of deficiency. There is a lack of understanding and listening, and therefore, a lack of respect for each other's boundaries. The struggle with deficiency is that we start to look for additional problems and (eventually) other options. Bringing this back old school- It's us against the problem, not me against you.

Historically, I tried (and failed) at leaning into submission in a relationship. I would actively tell myself to "let go", "let him lead," or "trust his judgment". I felt friction because I didn't trust him long enough to let him lead. It is interesting to think about, too, because the men in my life would often tell me things like, "If only you could understand submission". But it wasn't about understanding the idea of submission. I couldn't understand it because I had never felt emotionally safe enough for it to happen naturally.

In other posts, I will dive into past experiences regarding trust and instinct.

Unfortunately, not all of my relationships ended well, and I have had to re-learn where trust comes from again. One of the key pieces for me was the people who stood by my side during those times. I have had the privilege to be friends with some charming gentlemen.

Recently, I went out with a friend for a drink. He's pretty old school, and we view relationships and dating similarly. So, we have had conversations about dating nowadays and how it lacks courtship and respect. To be clear, this isn't just a lack of respect for women but also men.

He grabbed drinks from the bar while I found a spot to sit.

"I need to spit my gum out", he said, standing there with his hand at my mouth. Shocked, I looked up at him and he looked at me and said

"Give me your gum," I looked up and at him,

"Are you sure?" He could tell I was shocked.

"Yes, I am going to wash my hands anyways", he said. I proceeded to put my gum in his hand and blushed in disbelief. Never in my life have I had someone take my gum so freely. He didn't make a big deal about taking my gum; he just simply saw a problem and created a solution. Seems silly because we were trying to get rid of our gum, but one of the more profound lessons is that I allowed him to lead in that situation. Submission didn't even cross my mind until later when I reflected on that moment. If you find friction in the small moments, you will undoubtedly find it in the large ones. Similarly, if you have to think yourself into submission, there are much more significant problems.

One point I want to make clear on this post is that this requires a man secure enough in himself and what he has to offer not to feel invalidated by taking the lead. I would go as far as to say he wants to lead and understands that leaders can identify people's strengths for the TEAM's betterment.

A while ago, I was meeting up with another guy friend. We had not yet met in person, and this was a potential romantic connection mutually decided wouldn't work due to wanting different things in life. Long story short, we were going to meet up and hang out. It was right after Valentine's Day, and looking back, I probably should have questioned that more. He reached out and asked me to meet up, though, and I agreed. I thought it would be fun, and we had mutual interests to bond over. The day that we agreed to meet up, I was sitting at the library studying with a friend and decided to text him to confirm. He said yes and asked what I wanted to do. Because it wasn't a date, I didn't care that he didn't make plans or know what he wanted to do. I texted back,

"I'm just a girly along for the ride".

After that, he fell silent for quite a while, so I texted again. To which he changed his mind and declined to go out. It took me multiple conversations to understand how this could be interpreted negatively because, in my mind, I was saying I am down for whatever, and I am allowing you to lead.

The truth is that I shouldn't have said that. I should have just helped make plans. But it was in this moment that I also realized he was not in a place to lead me the way I wanted, in a friendship or anything more than that. It isn't because he can't lead. He is a leader in his career, but it didn't happen between us naturally.

On the other hand, for my gum grabber. He so effortlessly leads, which in turn lends itself to submission. It requires a combination of respect, understanding communication styles, vulnerability, and trust. I don't think you will find this in every relationship (friend, family or romantic), but when you do, you know there is a genuine level of respect as the foundation.